Last September I shared that I was likely not going to renew with the fertility clinic, after ten years of storing material there. This is still the case. I’m still messed up about it.
I ran out of time. If life was longer, then I would have had time to work through my trauma and how I was a piss-poor girlfriend, save money for IVF and a house amidst prices tripling, find a partner with compatible desires in the limited dating pool for trans folk, etc.
I did a lot of that, just didn’t get all the way there, and now I’m too old. Two decades of adulthood sounds endless when its ahead of you, but when its behind, it’s much more finite. Different starting points and challenges unique to some circumstances make a big impact.
My friends either have kids, or are child-free by choice, so I don’t have anyone to talk to about this.
I’m trying to vision a future, and I don’t know what that looks like. My recent search history includes “finding purpose after infertility”, the closest proxy I can think of. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? I’m sure I’ll look back at this as a turning point.
Hey future me, give me a clue, won’t you? I feel lost over here.