I kicked off my weekend by going to an Ottawa Charge game on Friday after work.
On Saturday, I stopped by a Mexican bakery, and got a few donuts that were literally just out of the oven. Afterwards, I biked to the Tulip Festival and spent some time by Dow’s Lake. I had just fixed up my bike, and this was its first go of the year. Then that evening, I went to Port Elmsley to watch The Sheep Detectives with members of the Jeep Club.
On Sunday, my best friend and I did some writing. I was then lazy for the rest of the day, taking naps and watching the peaceful OVA Yokohama Shopping Log. I try to be active like this not just weekends, but on weekday evenings as well.
The Moving Goalposts
For so long I worked towards feeling good, but never let myself feel good. I would make purchases and do these things for a moment that was always in the future.
If I move into my own place, I will be happy. If I solo backcountry camp, I will be happy. If I own a car, I will be happy. If I leave Ottawa, I will be happy. I kept doing these things, and I kept moving the goalposts on myself for when I’d let myself feel happy.
Part of this was that I was insecure and felt I wasn’t good enough, therefore neither were the things I did. Part of this was an attitude of seeing the glass half-empty.
I needed to appreciate what I had, in part by acknowledging the trade-offs of the alternative. Moving to Vancouver would have meant an extra $1,000/month eaten up by rent, leaving me with no income for gas, groceries or fun. Also all the nature stuff would be over-touristed. Moving to Whitehorse would mean no drive-in, no PWHL game, limited restaurants, no hot weather in May to drive in a topless Jeep, etc. So while Ottawa lacks mountains, there’s a life I can have here that isn’t accessible elsewhere.
Another change is one I spoke a bit about it in A good winter:
My favourite thing to do is to travel, but what I like about traveling is enjoying being in new places and having novel experiences. So by introducing elements of that to the other 50 weeks of the year where I don’t travel, it’s really made my weekends and evenings so much more enjoyable.
Keeping it Novel (But not Always!)
So every week, I find novel things to do. That’s how I create memories and slow down time; addressing my fear of letting time slip through my fingers.
I also partake in activities that aren’t new to me, but that I enjoy. Like going to the drive-in, making coffee, hanging out with the Jeep people, or going to the bakery.
I’m also creating more distance with my phone, that little addiction machine. I don’t mind mindless entertainment; I do mind when its unintentional and sucks my whole evening. I’ve also spent a number of mornings writing what’s been on my mind, which has helped move forward with the grief and loneliness that I had carried.
I’m content now, and I look forward to the summer.