At some point in my life I became a glass half-empty kind of person.
It’s easy to come up with reasons: a 40% pay cut in 2025; increased transphobia; the loss of parenthood – never to see a child’s first steps, day at school, laughs; indenture to landlords due to astronomical housing costs; etc.
But to be truthful, my outlook predates all of these developments.
Comparison is the thief of joy
This pessimism is inextricable from another trait of mine, which is an unhappiness with my circumstances that I delude myself into believing can be resolved by buying this or doing that.
Moving back downtown, buying a Jeep, going solo backcountry camping, traveling to this destination or that, etc. I’ve done these things and they have brought me joy and satisfaction but never resolved the underlying malaise.
Instead I pivot to the next thing. A social media post might prompt this goal post shift, comparison is the thief of joy, but it would have happened regardless.
Dreams versus reality
I could say that my insecurity is down to believing I wasn’t good enough growing up or fearing life slipping me by now. But these would miss a more important point, which is that these all have to do with dreams I have for my life.
The thing about dreams is that they are ill-defined fantasies and their lustre ebbs away upon scrutiny. Take wanting to be a parent and these precious moments I long for. The dream omits the meat and potatoes of being a single parent as I would have been. What the day-to-day looks like. I still wanted that but thinking about it with this specificity recontextualizes my life as it is now.
Similar with home ownership; I’d be facing increasing rates and dealing with property taxes and maintenance woes right now. As imposing as my rents are, I am free of these other burdens. There are genuine upsides to my current situation that I didn’t allow myself to enjoy because of my fixation on the negatives.
Thinking things through makes me appreciate the doors open to myself. I recently spoke of my fantastic summer and much of it was only possible because of my circumstances.
Going forward
I wanted to share this processing I’ve been doing. I was sitting on my couch the other day asking myself why couldn’t I appreciate this living room that I know past me would have been envious of? I have these books and wall art and a big television with a big sound bar and why couldn’t I be happy?
I kept thinking and that’s where I ended up at, this realisation I’ve been lost in my dreams. Dreams are good but not as a means to maintain a prison of perpetual dissatisfaction as I had been doing.
Going forward, if I catch myself doing that again, I’ll think about the specifics. Not to dissuade me from dreaming, but to keep sight of the present.